So how exactly do you “speak money”? Money language is how you view money, and the understanding of how you use money to express yourself. Money is often cited as the number one reason couples argue. That’s because when it comes to financial matters, many people don’t speak the same language. Learning to understand your partner’s money language, fears, and goals could help minimize this dilemma.
Having an open and honest discussion about your differing financial viewpoints might seem treacherous at first, but by doing so it can add depth and perspective to the relationship. Since both perspectives are integral pieces in the joint financial journey, the collective input encourages an equal collaboration in working towards the same goals.
So how do you determine which money language you speak? Whether you call it money language or money personality, there are plenty of online money quizzes out there. Some are free, others charge a small fee. Some are quite detailed, while another may offer a simple synopsis. But before you grab your credit card and hit the Google streets, it might be easier to think about the bigger picture for a moment, and that is, what are you really wanting to find out? If the goal is to gain a better understanding of how both you and your partner feel about money, while discovering some of the underlying reasons for those feelings, then step away from the keyboard and read on.
The Driver
This is someone that equates money to success. Having money protects against the fear of incompetence, and the more money they have, the more successful and competent they feel. Drivers communicate love by showing what money has done to improve their life and the lives of those around them. Their weakness is that they can be overly dependent on money for their self-esteem. They may feel a deep sense of inadequacy when they lack money and tend to be more materialistic than other money profiles.
The Analytic
This profile views money as a security blanket; a source of security to protect them from life’s unexpected events. They tend to be rather structured and organized when it comes to following a budget, and have little trouble establishing and maintaining a detailed spending plan. Their spending plans include short and long-term goals, and they typically achieve both. The Analytic communicates love by saving money and looking out for the future well-being of loved ones. Their weakness tends to be the militant or authoritative style in their budgeting techniques, leading to those around them feeling less important than the actual money. They unintentionally come across as one that disregards the feelings of others due to their conservative financial attitude.
The Amiable
The focus of someone that identifies with this personality is one towards relationships and people. They tend to communicate love through sharing what they have with friends and family. Money means love and affection to this group, so the lack thereof translates as an inability to demonstrate love. Since this money language tends to be very generous and good-hearted, they are often poor money managers and may lack long-term planning skills. While sharing is caring, sharing too much may leave the partner feeling that their financial security is irrelevant.
The Expressive
To this group, money equals acceptance. It offers the respect and admiration of others, while also allowing them to build relationships with equally desirable people. They lead the typical “keeping up with the Jones’” lifestyle, communicating love through shopping, buying and spending to gain the acceptance from a select group. Often this spending is masking a deeper issue, like hiding feelings of pain, insecurity, and incompetence. Their weakness is being overly dependent on money to (usually unsuccessfully) solve problems and calm fears.
As with any language, speaking money is an acquired skill, often learned throughout one’s upbringing. You may even notice different dialects or even slang when it comes to the money language. There is the formal language, like what we know we should be doing with money, and then the slang, equivalent to those impulsive buys we make.
This language, whether formal or informal, is a learned behavior from our childhood. We witnessed how our parents dealt with their finances, and often mimic their actions.
Understanding the root of the good, or bad, money habits we learned growing up often helps us understand the money language we speak today. Here are five parenting styles that tend to have a direct impact on the money language we speak.
Frugal Parents
If one’s parents were extremely frugal throughout their childhood, they may overspend to compensate for the feelings of being deprived certain advantages as a child. This overspending, mostly resentful in nature, often leads to financial insecurity, a lack of adequate retirement or emergency savings, and may lead to marital discord.
On the other hand, if frugality was rooted deep enough as a fear, the (now) adult may find themselves exhibiting those same thrifty spending habits. As described in the Analytic perspective above, those close to someone with these cautious spending habits may feel neglected or a disregard for their feelings. The result tends to be the same...marital discord.
Parents Spoiling Child
If one’s parents were frugal, as mentioned above, the decision to go the other way is rather common. Wanting to provide more and better than they had growing up is a common theme. However, going overboard and spoiling the child can set them up for financial insecurity during their adulthood. Providing a luxurious lifestyle to a child creates a sense of entitlement to continue the same level of living they have become accustomed to, and one they likely cannot afford on their own.
The money language learned, whether the Driver, Amiable, or Expressive, should instead be shifted from a sense of entitlement of having a lot of “stuff” now, to having financial freedom later. Having “stuff” is not a bad thing. Even having nice expensive stuff is fine. The goal is to find a good balance between happy and financially sound.
Parents Did Not Discuss Money
For many Boomers out there, this is a common theme. Money has a notorious reputation for being dirty, or taboo, to talk about. Women have a long history of being kept in the dark about household finances. This leads to a feeling of foolishness about financial topics and products. The results of these ambiguities are often overspending, under saving, or avoiding investing all together. We see these qualities in each of the money languages listed above, though in various and different weights. This is due to the interest taken by some to educate themselves with various financial products. Others choose to remain financially illiterate, often lacking long-range goals and money skills.
Divorced Parents
Two separate Christmas celebrations are a real thing. Competing gift giving is as well. According to the National Center for Family & Marriage Research, 41% of first marriages, 60% of second, and 73% of third marriages fail. It has become extremely common to have two separate blended family get-togethers during the holidays Overspending to create a new “happily ever after” is just as common. This leads to financial discord, arguments about money, and eventually divorce.
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